


To Shatter a Gem

by brokenbabyvulture



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Abuse, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jasper Abuse, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, gem blood, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-04-23 19:24:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14339364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenbabyvulture/pseuds/brokenbabyvulture
Summary: There had always been bad days. She didn’t know if it was because she was a Lapis, or because she was flawed, or she was just unlucky. She’d tried to crack and shatter herself since before she was ever on Earth. Someone would have stopped her if Homeworld wasn’t too preoccupied to notice. She cursed herself for not being delicate like a Pearl or a Sapphire. If she weren’t so strong, she could’ve been shattered ages ago. But she’d made it this far, through the mirror and Earth and Jasper and Malachite and she was still whole. Even with the idyllic life Steven had given her, however, there were always bad days.





	To Shatter a Gem

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically me vent projecting on to Lapis bleh

Shattering a gem takes a lot more effort than most gems realized. Lapis knew this because she’d tried. It’s especially hard when it’s your gem, and it’s in a spot you can’t reach. She’d managed to crack herself once or twice, but both times she’d found someone who could repair her. No one had ever asked where the cracks had come from though. So, no one knew except her. 

There had always been bad days. She didn’t know if it was because she was a Lapis, or because she was flawed, or she was just unlucky. She’d tried to crack and shatter herself since before she was ever on Earth. Someone would have stopped her if Homeworld wasn’t too preoccupied to notice. She cursed herself for not being delicate like a Pearl or a Sapphire. If she weren’t so strong, she could’ve been shattered ages ago. But she’d made it this far, through the mirror and Earth and Jasper and Malachite and she was still whole. Even with the idyllic life Steven had given her, however, there were always bad days.

Today it was Jasper. Lapis sat alone in her space in the barn’s loft and stared at the walls for hours, thinking about the pain and exhaustion it took to keep Malachite together and how she almost missed it. She must’ve been sick, twisted, demented, flawed, broken. She wished she were broken. Not existing at all would be better than this. She flashed through all the things Jasper had told her she was. Weak. Worthless. Petty. Insane. Lapis had pretended not to care; it was the only thing she could think to do. But all she could hear now was Jasper’s angry growl in her head. Some days it was the only voice that spoke to her. As much as it tore her apart to relive her trauma over and over again, having violent flashbacks to the crushing pressure, the darkness, the stress and the pain, almost made her feel good. Pain was something she understood. She went out of her way to find things that reminded her of her abuser. An orange blanket or something else she kept around triggered her disfigured memories to resurface, and she felt the despair and anger crash over her again. It wasn’t right, she knew that. She should talk to Peridot or Steven or someone instead of trying to trigger herself, but this was easier. It worked for her. 

On the worst days, when flashbacks weren’t enough, she forced herself to leave her cocoon and find something sharp in the piles of tools and scrap Peridot left around for meep morps. An old razor blade, a bit of rusty barbed wire, screwdriver, anything to make the thoughts go away for a while. When she touched the blades to her skin, she could barely feel the cuts as deep blue blood leaked from the wound sluggishly. She forced herself to push deeper and harder until she felt something, felt the edge bite bone. She’d disassociate from her world and sink in to one outside of her body as the blood ran down her arms and stained the wooden floors below. It was the only place she could feel free from Jasper’s hands, her voice, her breath, anything. She escaped there as much as she could.

Of course, having a barn mate, she couldn’t practice her coping in private. Peridot was a small gem; Lapis assumed that the green gremlin was younger than her by a fair margin. Not like It mattered much among gems. She was also completely oblivious to the feelings of anyone unless they were explicit about it, including herself. She was almost sickeningly upbeat most days, and when she wasn’t, she was still hyperactive beyond belief. Lapis may have called it cute on a better day, but when she wanted to be left alone, it got old fast. 

She was having one of her worse-than-bad days, rummaging through a pile in her room to find the rusty razor she kept hidden so she could go to work. Peridot was occupied working on some project of her own, so Lapis thought it would be safe to escape from her body for a while. She found the bloodstained orange towel she used to clean up after herself and went to work, marking shallow lines at the top of her wrist and working her way down, pressing harder with every new cut. The ones by the crook of her elbow wept blood and as she stared at she felt herself slip away, the gruff voice of her demon calling her back to the safety net of her abuse. 

As she was not in this world when Peridot came inside to check on her, the green gem called to her, needing help with the hydraulics of her newest toy. When she didn’t get an answer, she made her way upstairs. She found Lapis staring blankly at her bed, left arm slick with cobalt blood.

“Lapis!” Peridot almost shouted. She watched as the wounded gem blinked and widened her eyes in horror, moving quickly to wipe the blood away with the towel.

“What?” she asked angrily, with obvious venom in her words.

“What are you doing? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Peridot tried to take Lapis’ arm to look at the cuts, but it was snatched away. 

“Nothing. I’m fine. Just leave me alone.”

“Lapis, look what you did to yourself. Even I know you’re not okay.”

Lapis looked away and she put pressure on her wounded arm. “I said I’m fine Peridot. Don’t touch me.”

The smaller gem stepped back and took a breath. “Lapis, please talk to me. Let me help you.”

Lapis’ eyes flew open and she slammed her hand on the floor. “I don’t need your help! I don’t need you! I don’t need anyone! Just stop it!” She started crying quietly, tears falling into the open wounds she had given herself. 

Peridot sat down next to the sobbing girl and tried to keep a distance. “Do you want to just tell me about it?”

“No.”

“Do you want me to stay here?”

There was a pause so silent it sent a shiver to Peridot’s core. She was about to leave the girl to herself before she heard a tiny “yes.”

The green gem sat down gently next to Lapis and watched her cry quietly, watched the bloody mess of her arm ooze blood onto her dress and floor, and waited patiently. After a long while, Lapis silently offered her arm to her counterpart and Peridot worked gently to clean and bandage the injuries. When Lapis was stitched up and covered, still hiccupping through some silent tears, she laid down on the floor and curled up into a tense ball. 

“Is it alright if I lay with you Lapis?” Peridot questioned softly. The blue lump on the ground nodded, and Peridot moved to take her place behind Lapis, wrapping her small arms around the girl’s frame and feeling her tiny sobs wrack her tired form. Peridot stayed awake until she heard Lapis’ breathing steady and calm and followed her into sleep.


End file.
